Feeling better and a few firsts

First some news — I am happy to say that I am no longer suffering from constant headaches, have less dizziness, am not totally soaked when I wake up (though still sweaty) and generally seem to be improving. I still tend to need either an early bed time or a nap or both and have regular swollen and/or painful lymph nodes, but I am less dizzy, less out of breath, and generally happier with how I’m feeling. The improvement started as slowly as the original downturn, and definitely before I changed anything in particular. However it may have spread up as I began taking large amounts of vitamin D and starting the new energy-device. I can’t say for sure, and would not want to draw conclusions at this point. I probably won’t want to draw any real conclusions until I see either a total lack of symptoms (almost never happens) or I go for a year without a relapse. For now I’m just grateful for what I’ve got.

As for the firsts, I have in the last week for the first time had a doctor tell me he thinks I probably never had lyme disease in the first place, and had an acquaintance ask why I didn’t use make-up to cover up the fact that I look tired. Both of these, I am sure, are not uncommon experiences for others in the community. Neither threw me — I’ve been dealing with this long enough that I have fairly stable opinions about what’s going on and how I want to deal with it. However, they were a reminder of the ongoing mismatch between the expectations and views of the average outsider/doctor and who/what I am. I won’t even both to discuss why I think the doctor was wrong, I’ve spent plenty of time already on that in this blog.

But the use of make-up — that deserves a response, at least here if not in person. I know there are many opinions on this, and I have acquaintances with chronic illness who work very hard to make it as invisible as possible. I do not mean to criticize those choices in what I write. But for me, personally, make-up is not a solution. I don’t use it normally, and putting it on just to hide how I’m feeling seems counter-productive. My illness is invisible enough already. I appreciate the fact that people who care enough to look can see that I’m not well when I’m not. It makes it easier when I need to ask for help, or simply contribute less to an event, conversation, etc.  Additionally, while having Lyme disease does not define me, it is part of who I am. I am many things, and I don’t hide any of them. I  don’t see a reason to single this one out.

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