Today has been difficult, no sign in sight of an end to the bad week. My back and neck hurt, my nerves feel hyper sensitive there and the only relief is when my husband touches my back. Also, my head has been hurting for hours, and neither a nap nor ibuprofin helped my head or back. In addition, my knees have been feeling arthritic today (a new symptom), my jaw is a little stiff, my ears are ringing and currently I’m nauseous. My abdomen’s still tender. And my mind’s been wandering again, making it difficult to sleep. At the same time, a friend who hadn’t seen me in a few months told my my complexion looks better, my face more filled out, than when she last saw me (pre-antibiotics). Her comments are an echo of what others have told me this week.
I know that hope and positive thinking have a very important role to play in healing. Yet on days like today it’s very hard to keep my focus on that, or even on the positive comments, the negative looms so large: The fear that I will continue to get worse, that I made a mistake in which doctors I trusted, that I will have to revise my life again to a set of constraints I don’t want. After hearing from this friend who hasn’t seen me recently, I am starting to believe that there is outward change to match the inward change I was feeling before this week. I’m glad I look better, yet even so I doubt it’s meaning. Is it a sign of healing, that I will get back to my old self, or just that the minimalistic lifestyle I currently subscribe to (little work early, bedtimes) is acceptable to my body?
Maybe I’m just setting my hopes on something too immediate, too specific. I don’t have faith any longer that I can map out my path to recovery. Maybe that’s ok. Instead, I will work toward the following: I will reach a day where I have moved beyond the pain and the worry. I will reach a day when lyme is part of my history, a story I can tell my children, like RSI.